I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm way too hungover for life right now
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
