So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
