"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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