I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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