I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
