She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
