I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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