I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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