I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
