Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
