After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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