I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
