If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
