hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
