Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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