I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
