3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
