My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
