she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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