so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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