When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
you never un-have a 4some
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
