I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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