I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
