dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
