I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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