There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
