garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
