Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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