This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
