so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
