ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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