If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Small penises have feelings too.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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