So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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