nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
