And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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