Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The best revenge is premature balding
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
