I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
