Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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