Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
