I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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