you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
