I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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