Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
