Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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