I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
