mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
