I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
