Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
