He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
