I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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