Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
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There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
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Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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