im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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