Old men and throwing up are my life now.
home. puking in laundry basket.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i think we sleep fucked last night...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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