At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
