So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
