i just sent this text using only my big toe
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
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Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
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I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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